Monday, December 20, 2010

Crazy

The book has been out for about a week. In all the commotion of getting the book out, I have barely been able to stop and enjoy it. I wrote a book! It seems funny when I think I about it. I wrote a book. And all indications, thus far, are that its a pretty good book. I shouldn't be surprised about that, I suppose. But when it was an idea in my head, it was just an idea. I have a million ideas. Most of the time, they just roll around in my head for a while, driving me crazy. But now and then, one of those ideas gets free and takes on a life of its own. I'm gonna make music. I'm gonna put out a CD. I'm gonna start a record label. I'm gonna be a photographer. I'm gonna take up nude photography. I'm gonna get a ph.d in psychology. Those were all just ideas. Crazy ideas. Then they all came to be. But they never seem quite real until they happen, because when they're rolling around in my head with all the other crazy ideas I have, they just seem so......well, crazy. But this one happened. I wrote a book.

So after a week of having people reading about my life, I'm sitting here taking it all in. I've had people sending me emails and text messages telling me how my book has touched them. I've had people tell me they know so many people who NEED to read this book. To be honest, that's what I was hoping for. I hoped my story would touch people. I hoped my purpose would be understood. I mean, that was the point. I've spent so much of my life feeling misunderstood. I wanted to write it all down, once and for all. I wanted to get it all out. I figured if I did, maybe someone else would be able to avoid feeling as crazy as I often feel. If the feedback I've gotten in the first week is any indication, it appears as though this crazy idea is going to accomplish its mission. Only time will tell.

There are lots of other crazy ideas up there in that head of mine. I've got some music I've been threatening to make. I'm about 90% done with a photography book too. But for now, I think I'm gonna see where this book takes me. Best selling author has a pretty nice ring to it. See. There I go again.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Tomorrow

Tomorrow it happens. The book will be out. My life in black & white for all to see. Its a strange feeling. Tomorrow there will be strangers that know me better than many of my family members do. There will be people who come up to me on the street, asking about events of my life as if they were scenes in a movie. The triumphs and horrors of my life, right there in perminent ink. Fair game for anyone who wants to know. I suppose that shouldn't seem strange, except that my life has never been exactly an open book. It's been quite the opposite. Even those closest to me know that there are things about me that you just don't ask. It's always been that way. But tomorrow, that will change.

I have, throughout my life, built walls around me. Most can't see them. But I can. Those walls have protected me, emotionally. They have shielded me from the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune that I have lived through. But, like a soldier bunkered down in a fort, I have come to realize that the walls you build to protect you will eventually be your prison. And so, tomorrow, I gain some freedom. I don't do it because I think anyone out there should really care what my life has been like. I do it because I no longer want to live behind the walls.

The premise of the book is that there are lots of conversations I never had with my father. He left before I could have them. Because of it, there are lots of things I didn't know. Figuring those things out took a very tough growing up process. Now that I've figured out a small piece of it, I kinda wanted to write it down for my son. Just in case. My intention is to live long enough to actually have those conversations with my son. But, because my life is always full of surprises, I'm writing this book almost as an insurance plan. I wanna know that, no matter what, he'll know about me, from me.

So, in turn, everyone else gets to know too. And I get to be free from the walls I built. Tomorrow.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010


Its finally here!! The book is done. Its scary and exciting at the same time. My life, put into words for the world to see. Things that I've spent most my life not speaking about in public are about to be common knowledge. It feels a bit like busting out of jail. The walls I built for myself are about to come down. This should be interesting.