Monday, December 13, 2010


Tomorrow it happens. The book will be out. My life in black & white for all to see. Its a strange feeling. Tomorrow there will be strangers that know me better than many of my family members do. There will be people who come up to me on the street, asking about events of my life as if they were scenes in a movie. The triumphs and horrors of my life, right there in perminent ink. Fair game for anyone who wants to know. I suppose that shouldn't seem strange, except that my life has never been exactly an open book. It's been quite the opposite. Even those closest to me know that there are things about me that you just don't ask. It's always been that way. But tomorrow, that will change.

I have, throughout my life, built walls around me. Most can't see them. But I can. Those walls have protected me, emotionally. They have shielded me from the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune that I have lived through. But, like a soldier bunkered down in a fort, I have come to realize that the walls you build to protect you will eventually be your prison. And so, tomorrow, I gain some freedom. I don't do it because I think anyone out there should really care what my life has been like. I do it because I no longer want to live behind the walls.

The premise of the book is that there are lots of conversations I never had with my father. He left before I could have them. Because of it, there are lots of things I didn't know. Figuring those things out took a very tough growing up process. Now that I've figured out a small piece of it, I kinda wanted to write it down for my son. Just in case. My intention is to live long enough to actually have those conversations with my son. But, because my life is always full of surprises, I'm writing this book almost as an insurance plan. I wanna know that, no matter what, he'll know about me, from me.

So, in turn, everyone else gets to know too. And I get to be free from the walls I built. Tomorrow.


  1. Rueben,

    We are very much alike in respect to putting up emotional walls and hiding behind them. I know that I do it for fear of getting hurt, of which I blame my father. And, you are also correct in saying that in hiding behind those walls, one becomes imprisoned. My stronghold is still up, and I honestly do not know how to let it down because I am so used to having it.

  2. You have to bring down the walls so you can be free. It's not easy, but I think it's worth it.