Sunday, February 27, 2011

Jay Z and the Food Fighters

Jay Z said, "A wise man told me don't argue with fools, cause people from a distance can't tell who is who." I don't know who his source was, but that man was wise indeed. If you shout and scream with a fool long enough, no matter how intelligent you are, you will eventually look just as foolish as your opponent. Why? Well, it has something to the rules. The wise man and the fool use different rules.

Two wise men can argue at great length and, assuming those two men have enough respect for themselves, never resort to disrespecting their opposition in the argument. Many a world problem has been solved through a spirited argument. Consider the Socratic debate, for example. Two scholars, with opposing hypotheses, argue the contradictions in their ideas until what remains is a mutually agreed upon and more fundamentally sound hypothesis about the truth of a matter. The assumption in this method, though, is that both scholars will be wise enough to concede the truths that are illuminated by the opposing scholar. It takes a truly wise man to hear the truth from someone else. And thus, the Socratic method is rarely employed. Most folks can only hear the truth as told by......themselves.

Still, the idea of disagreement through debate or argument is always the same. One side has a truth that they hope to help the other side see. The passion with which one sees his truth sparks an argument. Nothing wrong with that, as long as both sides play by one rule: logic. In any argument there must be a set of parameters. These parameters set the boundaries with which one can make an argument. Mutual use of logic is why the Socratic method works with extremely intelligent people. (Ex. If we both agree that proposition A is true, then we surely must agree that B would also be true under conditions thus and so.....Oh good point, my wise friend. I had not thought of that. But, should B be true under said conditions, then would not C also be true under these....Why yes, sir. Well said....)

Here's the problem. A fool doesn't use logic. Fundamental truth goes out the window when you talk to a fool. That's why they call him a fool. This being the case, the fool can make arguments not based on the same parameters that most of us use to restrain our thoughts. (Ex. I think you were wrong just then....Why...Because the sky is blue and trees have leaves on them and so clearly you were wrong.) And in order to counter an argument not bound by logic in any way, one must usually resort to.....well, foolishness. Its kinda like being in a food fight. You either throw food or duck and hope for the best. There is no real way to win. And that's what Jay Z' pal was trying to tell him. You can't win. If you look in on a food fight, can you see who started it? Can you tell who is using the veggies and who throws junk food? Nope. Its a food fight. If you're in it, you just look bad.

One of my favorite books says, "Do not answer a fool according to his folly, or you will be like him yourself." In other words, when the fool throws food, don't throw it back or you're a fool too. I know this to be true. I really do. But I get hit with enough jello, and that pile of mashed potatoes starts to look an awful lot like ammunition. Does that make me the wise man or the fool? I suppose that's debatable.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

I've Grown Accustomed to her Face

I've grown accustomed to her face.
She almost makes the day begin.
I've grown accustomed to the tune
That she whistles night and noon.
Her smiles, her frowns,
Her ups, her downs
Are second nature to me now,
Like breathing out and breathing in.

I was serenely independent
And content before we met.
Surely I could always be that way again - and yet,
I've grown accustomed to her looks,
Accustomed to her voice,
Accustomed to her face.


I've always liked this song. I have a version of Nat King Cole singing it. It always makes me laugh a little, when I think about the sentiment. The idea that we fool ourselves into thinking we'd be just fine without them. That's totally me. I had been saying that for a while now. See, I met a girl. I should say, I fell for a girl. I fell hard and fast. But all the while, I said to myself that I could walk away if need be. Not that I'd ever want to. But if I needed to....

The thing is, I'm not all that good at trusting people. Never have been. I blame my childhood. I experienced way to many heartaches and deaths to ever believe that anyone could really be trusted all the way. It made relationships a bit of a challenge, to say the least. I remember a girl telling me once, just after we broke up, that one day I'd experience the ability to trust someone completely. To be able to be completely myself. To be totally and completely honest and know the other person is doing the same. In that moment, she said, I'd know what true love was. At the time I thought she was just a dumb ex-girlfriend. Now I know she couldn't have been more right.

So anyway, I fell for a girl. And for whatever reason, I decided to trust her. And God knows why, but she decided to trust me. And that was that. I've come to realize that everything I've ever called a relationship before this was just a prelude. I've come to realize that true love is like a conversation that goes something like this. "Here. Hold this. Its my heart. My hands are full holding yours, so I'm gonna need you to hold mine for me while we walk through this life thing." I'd never had that conversation before now.

Funny thing about that conversation is, if you're having it for the very first time, it can be scarier than you realize. At least that's the case for me. See, my girl has a job that keeps her pretty busy sometimes. In my attempt to be supportive and out of the way, we've had a few days of minimal contact. That's all well and good, I suppose. I tell myself I need the free time. I tell myself its no big deal. Until the day she DOESN'T make a fuss about how much she misses me. Then the scared little kid in me comes jumping out. Of course, there was nothing to worry about. She came to the rescue. Still, it was a scare I hardly expected.

I say all that to say this. I gave my heart to a girl. When I did it, I didn't realize how much of a risk I had taken. I'm sure glad she did.

I've grown accustomed to her face.
She almost makes the day begin.
I'm very grateful she's a woman,
And so easy to forget, rather like a habit
One can always break - and yet,
I've grown accustomed to her looks,
Accustomed to her voice,
Accustomed to her face.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

The Word on the Streets

I continue to be touched, and truly humbled, by the abundance of emails, facebook posts, text messages, and phone calls I have received from people who have enjoyed and identified with my book. I used to believe that my story was so very isolating. I felt alone. This process has taught me that every experience is part of the "human experience" and that struggle, like triumph, is universal.

I thought I'd share some of what people have said about the book. Some of this is actual reviews of the book. Much of this came in the form of messages to me. Many had to be edited because of the personal nature of the messages, as people poured their hearts out to me. Many messages were honestly too personal to share. But all were heart felt, to be sure. At any rate, here is what the streets are saying about my book.

I enjoyed reading, “A Young Man’s Wisdom.” This book will give hope to many people who have grown up thinking they’ve missed something. I definitely could relate to much of it. My favorite quote from the book: “Life will break you if you let it. Don’t let it.” This book took courage, creativity and insight. You really connect with the reader. Congratulations!
- Dawn, PA

It is truly inspiring how you have risen up from your troubles and become such a talented and successful role model that every man can look up to and respect …… I do believe things happen in our lives for a reason. Your reason has truly been revealed and will inspire all who read it. Thank you for sharing.
- Becky, PA

I just wanted to say what a blessing your book was. I laughed, cried, and remembered my own childhood…….Good luck my brother, although, I suspect you won't need it.
- Kristi, Washington, D.C.

It's really wonderfully written and in such a way that everyone can connect to it. Young, old, boy, girl, White, or Black, anyone can identify. It was so simply told. It was as if I was sitting in front of you having a conversation about your life. You were so open and honest even matter-of-factly at times. You never made the reader feel uncomfortable. I was completely drawn in.
- Kena, CA

I can't put it down!!! You're ripping my heart out and yet the gold you've gained, gleaned from [your] short 35 yrs on this earth is remarkable. It's quite evident that God has you purposed for much.
- Charisse, PA

I read it as soon as I opened it. I could not put it down until I finished it. I truly enjoyed reading it…Your son and other young men will be wiser for the reading. Thank you for sharing your story.
- Jeff, PA

This great little book is packed with powerful lessons about the human experience… It's a fantastic quick read! I definitely recommend it.
- Missy, MI


This should be a staple in every young man's (and young woman's) reading list. Thank you - for writing it, for so generously sharing yourself (and your book!) and for being who you are.
- Dorothy, PA

[A Young Man’s Wisdom] was easy to follow and equally as inspirational for women as it is for men.
- Darra, PA

A Young Man's Wisdom is a poignant and touching memoir that incites self-reflection in the reader, despite gender or race.
- Missy, PA

Seriously, I don't know what to say. I just finished reading your book. Maybe I'm taking it a little too personal, but as I read your lessons and things you’re trying to teach your son, tears fill my eyes, because I realized that those are things I'm trying to teach my son as a woman……. The book is great. It really touched me. I hope [my son’s father] will read it and it [will] have the same effect on him!!!
- Alexis, Pa

It must have taken an extraordinary amount of bravery for the author to be so candid in sharing his life’s journey. I think the book will inspire others who have faced similar struggles.
- John, OH

Halfway done with your book. Literally on the metro teary eyed. I don't know if "good" explains my thoughts... You have a story worth sharing and I'm glad you did.
- Samantha, Washington, D.C.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Losing the Forest for the Trees

In the past month and a half, I have had an amazing amount of feedback on the book. It has been really rewarding for me to hear how much the book has touched people. But, I must say, there is one piece of feedback that is interesting to me. I haven't heard it much. But I've heard it a few times from people close enough to me to know my life. People have wondered how I told my story without mentioning my marriage in any significant way. I suppose I understand the question, but I must admit I don't understand the purpose of the question. Still, in an attempt to quiet my own inner demons, I will answer it.

The short answer is, the book wasn't about my relationship with my wife. In all fairness, that relationship spanned far more of my life than the 4 years I was married. In fact, much of what I talked about in the book happened while I was with her. Then again, there isn't much of my life that DIDN'T happen while I was either with her or about to be back with her or recovering from the latest break up. But, the book I wrote wasn't about that part of my life. It wasn't my memoir, so to speak. It was a book about my internal struggles with manhood, fatherhood, and missing my father. That's the short answer.

The long answer is not so simple. See, my relationship with my ex used to be one of the things that defined me. I judged myself, in large part, based on the state of that relationship. That relationship wasn't always healthy. It wasn't always productive. And defining my identity based on another person proved to be extremely problematic. Whether that person was my father, my high school sweetheart, or anyone else, defining myself in external terms left me powerless to create my own happiness and strength. When I realized that, my life changed. One of those changes was that my marriage had to end. I wasn't the man I wanted to be while I was in it. I couldn't be. So, as painful as it was, ending that relationship allowed me to be who I am today.

When I first decided to write a book, it was going to be my life story. It was full of stories about meeting her in the 7th grade, falling in love, and all that good stuff. But, at some point in that writing process, I came to realize that the story I was telling had no purpose. It had no message. It was just a story of pain and suffering. I knew my life had purpose. I knew my life wasn't only about the pain. But the book felt sad. So, I thought about what mattered most to me. I thought about what I hoped to do with it. And I realized that the only thing I could speak clearly on, at this point, was fatherhood. So, I removed the rest. My love affair with music....gone. My new found career in psychology....gone. My marriage.....all but erased from the pages. Why? Because I didn't want my purpose to be lost in the details. And there are just so many details. Sometimes in painting a picture of a forest, one can get caught up in the details of every single tree. What happens is that the forest stops looking like a forest. It starts looking like a mess of tree like objects. But when you gloss over some of the trees and focus on the beauty and color and feel of the forest, that painting conveys the sentiment of that forest. That's what I wanted to do. I wanted to paint a forest. Accurately painting the tree that was my marriage would have stopped me from getting the rest of the forest onto the canvas.

Perhaps one day, when I am far enough removed from that tree, I will paint another picture, one that gives a bit more detail. For now, I am happy to have given myself permission to not be tied to that or any other tree ever again.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Definition of Man



Made this video about the process of researching and writing about manhood. Enjoy!